


One Last Time

by ineffabledaniel



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Dan Howell - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt Phil Lester, M/M, Overdosing, Phil Lester - Freeform, Phil Needs a Hug, Suicidal Dan Howell, Suicide, Triggers, dnp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 20:45:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16145171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineffabledaniel/pseuds/ineffabledaniel
Summary: Phil left Dan a week ago, and it only took that week for Dan to realize he can't carry on without Phil. He has to see him one last time to say a few final words.





	One Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> ok this wasn't intended to be a fic. this was a rp me and @get_up_danny_boy did and we wanted to share the sadness this caused us LMAO.  
> she wrote Phil (clearly, its way better)  
> i wrote dan

Dan and Phil had been together for a good 3 years, but things weren’t all lovey-dovey like you’d think they’d be. They’d starting arguing more, Dan became more defensive and argumentative trying to be stronger while his mental health deteriorated. One night when he came home, Phil was sat in the lounge with his suitcase. It was over. Dan broke down and begged Phil not to go, but Phil was adamant. It’s been just over a week now and Dan wasn’t coping well. One night he sat on his bathroom floor. Everything was broken. He’d been drinking to the point he felt dizzy. Then he knew what he was going to do. He downed half his pills and left to Phil’s apartment. He got a taxi across town, unable to even stand straight. He staggered up the stairs and knocked on the door, desperate for an answer.

Phil wasn’t sure if leaving Dan was the right thing to do, but he knew it had to be done. They weren’t handling things the proper way at all. Voices were too loud and tears poured more often then they should have, and too many hateful words came out of their mouths. So maybe ending it was the right thing to do, but maybe he could’ve stayed and tried harder. Tried harder to fix what had been broken into shards that were close to impossible to glue back together. He stood in the kitchen drinking a glass of water when the door rang, and he was confused as first he wasn’t expecting anyone and second it was such a late time. But he set the glass down in the sink and made his way to the door. All words seemed to have been caught up in his throat when he laid eyes on the boy with dark circles underneath his eyes, and the strands of hair that shot in wild directions. A knot tied itself if his stomach as he tried not to show the distress on his expression but he had become very much uncomfortable. His arms folded over his chest and he looked at Dan with his eyebrows drawn together in a small frown. “Yes..?” He simply said, his voice a bit strained but there was no sternness in it and not even bothering to greet him.

Dan took a deep breath. “I know you don’t wanna see me. You don’t wanna know me. You don’t wanna be with me. But I came to say a real goodbye.” He said shakily as a tear fell. “I’m saying goodbye to you, to all the memories, to everything. Wanna thank you, for being the one person to keep me stable and happy. For being the only person to stay. F-for loving me..” He added as more tears fell. “I know I messed up. I was bad. Horrible. I ruin everything. I'm sorry. Sorry for it all. I hope you find true happiness and someone who you can love..” He said and stood backward, legs shaking and head spinning. “I’m sorry, I love you..”

As Dan spoke, Phil couldn’t help but feel his throat tighten and his eyes well up with tears. He didn’t want to cry, but he was. For some reason he was. Because something felt wrong. Something felt wrong about this situation. And maybe it was that they weren’t together anymore, but maybe it was something else. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to reply to what was being said. So there were a few moments of silence as he stared at Dan’s face. “You aren’t horrible.” He began, voice sad. “It wasn’t all your fault, so I guess I have to apologize too. I’m sorry for not being able to stay long enough, and I’m sorry that what happened happened.” He continued with his eyebrows furrowed together. “But you deserve happiness too, and I hope you can also find someone who will love you more than I love you.” He sighed, his arms falling to his side. “It’s not like I don’t love you too. Of course, I do. I always will. But I just.. Couldn't deal with what was happening. It was all too much. And it’s not all your fault, again, so it’s okay..” He whispered, looking away for a moment then back at Dan.

Dan smiled, but it was full of sadness and heartache. “There is no happiness here I’m afraid.” He whispered. “I wish you happiness though and live without burdens or hurt. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you it.” He said quietly, chest tightening. He felt increasingly dizzy so decided he needed to get away before the worst, or even the best (in Dan’s opinion) happened. “I-I need to go... Please don’t think about me if you ever were. It’ll make this easier for me and you..”

Phil furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head. The worst part was that guilt and regret had built up in him as he listened. It wasn’t the right thing to do. Not at all. “W-Where are you going? Do you want to come in..?” He quickly asked, taking a small step forward and opened the door to his apartment a little. He hadn’t even realized the quiet “Please” that followed in a whisper which came out of his mouth in an almost desperate manner.

Dan looked at Phil, about to cry as he felt the buzz in his head get louder. Everything was coming to a close. “I can’t. I cant..” He whispered and kneeled down, clutching his ears and coughing as the toxic mix of alcohol and medication began to take a toll on his body, slowly but definitely surely.

Phil’s eyes widened when Dan fell to the floor and he quickly crouched down in front of him, placing his hands on his shoulders as he breathed shakily. “Dan? Dan, what happened? A-Are you okay?” He blurted, his voice full of concern as Dan violently coughed in front of him, face turning into a sickly pale colour. “Why can’t you..? What did you do?” He asked, words breaking with fear.

Dan sat on the floor with his back on the wall. “Please.. Go inside. I don’t want you to see anything.” He said weakly. “I love you. So much. I’m sorry I couldn't make you happy."

The tears that sat on Phil’s waterline escaped and rolled down his cheeks. He began to breathe raggedly, very confused and worried about what was happening in front of him. “I-I love you too. You did make me happy Dan. You’re an incredible person. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but /please/,” He cried, taking Dan’s hands in his, squeezing them gently. “Tell me what happened.. I’m not going anywhere.. See what? Please tell me what you did..”

Dan shook his head. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Phil what he’d done. “I’m leaving, Phil.” He said brokenly. That was as close as he was gonna get. “I can’t do this anymore. There’s no happiness. No nothing. I have to go.. Please go.. Please..”

“I’m not going anywhere with you on the floor like this. Come inside. Please come inside with me. I-I don’t understand what’s happening..” Phil continued to cry, tugging at Dan’s hand gently. “Don’t leave. Please don’t leave..” He whispered, now pulling one of Dan’s hands close to his chest and clutching it close to his body.

“I gotta.. Can't stay. It’s too late Phil.” Dan whispered, voice cracking. “Too late now. Please. Go. I don’t want you to witness this. Don’t want you to think about me anymore..”

“Y-You can’t tell me to leave you like this? H-How do you expect me to not think about you anymore if I’d leave you like this?” Phil asked, his entire expression painted with sadness. “It’s not too late. I can help. Tell me what happened so I can help. Please. Please don’t leave me like this. Don't leave me.."

“Gonna go,” Dan whispered. He sounded tired as things went slower. “Overdosed... Needed to do it. Never gonna be happy, I’m sorry.” He whispered, eyes threatening to close. “I love you..” He whimpered, chest becoming tight and painful.

Phil’s eyes widened and felt a sick feeling in his stomach. “You what?!” He exclaimed and cried harder. “No, no no. Come on, Dan. Please no. /Please!/“ He quickly said and pulled out his phone to dial 999. “It’s not too late. Gonna get you help because it’s not too late. Gonna live because it’s not too late. It’s not too late damn it!” He sobbed, phone shaking in hand as he waited for a response. When the other side of the line answered, Phil stumbled over his words but managed to get his message across. He then hung up and tossed his phone to the, bringing his hands up to hold Dan’s face in them. “I love you too. I love you too. Don’t leave me. Please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll come back. Please. I love you so much..” His words struggled to come out in between sobs as he sniffled and coughed out tears and heartbreak. 

Dan shook his head and held Phil’s hand weakly. “I'm sorry. Gotta go now. Please. Don’t cry. Don’t think. Love you, Phil.” He whimpered painfully as his eyes shut without him wanting them to.

“I love you too..” Phil whimpered as he cried. “Don’t leave me, Dan.” His voice was so broken and hurt and his words cracked with every shaky breath. “Don’t go..H-Help is on the way. I love you. Please..” He said through clenched teeth and tears and pain that was way too much and near indescribable.

Dan couldn’t fight it any longer. He had nothing left in him. And so, his hold on Phil’s hand loosened completely as his heart beat slowly came to a halt. This was good for Dan. He did what he had to. He got to apologize. He got to say his goodbye. He got to see the one person who meant the most to him one last time. Now he was free. Now he wasn’t in pain.

“No no no no no.” Phil repeatedly said as Dan’s hand fell to his lap. He quickly moved his hands to Dan’s shoulders and began shaking him. “Come on. Come on, Dan. Wake up. Wake up!” He cried. But there was no response and he heard the breath escape Dan’s pale lips one last time, and with that Phil broke down into tears that leaked way harder than they ever had. He wrapped his arms around the boy’s lifeless body and pulled him to his chest, falling flat on his side with Dan in his hold, not breathing, not thinking, and just dead. He sobbed into the boy’s hair, the scent of alcohol faint compared to the scent of lily’s that arose from it. And he cried and cried. Cried so loudly that the neighbors came out of their homes, gasping quietly about the tragedy in front of them. The paramedics came but did nothing but watch. Watch as the broken boy carried the other. Watch as he shook violently with every salty tear. And they listened to the incoherent mumbling of words he never got to say and of words he said. Words like “I’m sorry” and words like “I love you.” Words like “Come back.” And words like “Don’t leave me.” Words like “Let me make you happy.” And words like “I wanted to spend my life with you.” But he got no response. And he never was going to. Because this was the permanent silent treatment he deserved for causing the death in his arms. He was who put those pills down Dan’s throat. He was the one who killed Dan. And there was nothing he could do other than cry into the boy’s soft skin and feel guilt over the last breath Dan exhaled. Nothing he could do other than think about Dan and love him till the love ran out of his body. Love him till they meet again, sooner than later.


End file.
